The struggle is real

I own my own business. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done other than becoming a parent, and those of you with children know what a gift and a curse that is. However that is for another post. Here is just a little background on what I have been going through. Early last year about February a good friend and I were looking for a new office space. We were interested in being located in the downtown area of our city. We were not having very much luck as most of the buildings in that area are very expensive. We stumbled across a building that looked abandoned but it had a for rent sign in the window. Long story short we found a building no one else wanted to put the work in to. This is common for businesses starting out because often times you can get a cheaper rent and you can grow into the space. It took some time but by the time we got the building my partner was not in a place to go all in with me like we had planned. Something told me to go for it so I did. The place needed a lot of work I knew I couldn't afford it all by myself so I started looking for a partner willing to go in on it with me. I approached some friends and no one was really in the position or saw the vision, and then right as I was about to give up a friend put me on to someone who might be interested. We talked, we looked at the space and 10,000 later we had a workable spot. Only during the time we were renovating and getting the place ready the landlord sold to a Mission. Who turns out has been trying to get their hands on the property for like 15 years. I could go on but I think I will save it for my book. Anyway I said all of that to say if you really want something go for it, just because it may not work out exactly as you have planned doesn't mean you are not on the right track. The struggle out here is real but only those of us in the fight will ever know it. I have attached some cell phone footage of what the place looked like at the beginning, you can see what it looks like now when the documentary comes out or if you ever come by the spot.

Fully awake

3 hours that's the time I spend every morning looking for work. 3 more hours on growing my business, either through research building my sites and reaching out to other people. 1.5 on social media. Now I am adding the pursuit of another degree because that has worked out so well for me right. Someone said you're not trying hard enough change your methods, well let's see I guess I could take my kids with me and go door to door with my degree's on my back and hold up a sign that says will work to fee my kids, I wonder if that would get more results. I am frustrated and tired of feeling taken advantage of. I work hard to help others and in return I have nothing to show for it but empty promises and broken dreams. I am not angry though. I made this life, had I chosen to be ruthless and uncaring, which honestly was my character as a youth, I could be somewhere far beyond the struggle and rhetoric that has become a standard soundtrack for myself and others who are going through the same situation I am in. We are the voices of the educated masses that have been forgotten, and pushed into the delivery service, fast food worker, janitorial services, or some other JOB that we could have easily kept from high school and been store managers had we not chosen the path of higher education, or chasing the American Dream that has been deferred like our student loans. Now I sit here with little hope wondering what will be the spark to ignite my madness. Here I sit an over-educated clerk clinging to that last shred of manhood, and dignity because I cannot be the man of my home. In the end it is my fault for caring of others before I secured my own, and thus I have learned a valuable lesson. No One Is Coming To Save Me, or you. Be Afraid because I am going to make sure my children are not like me. That they will live on and will never face the struggle of choosing between food on the table or lights.

Wish I owned a key

I am so fed up and hollow at the same time right now. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Success has eluded me again, and all the positive thinking and effort seems like wasted energy. I dared to dream only to find I don't belong, once, twice, three times the charm. I get it, I get it, I get  it, I'm gone.

I have more student loan debt than my children's pediatrician, and yet I cannot find a job to take care of my family. People are so quick to say oh something will come; I appreciate that positive vibe but don't marginalize my struggle. I wish I could blame my life on someone else but I know I am the architect of this prison I currently reside in. I built it. I accept that. I also know that I have been putting in the work to bring it down and erect a new one.

How can I build and provide when I cannot earn enough money to support my family adequately. I am the over educated clerk, waiter, driver, and customer service rep that could become a force for change if I could just get in the door. Too bad I don't own a key.

You just gonna throw that away anyway.

I have seen lot's of things from behind this counter, but among the craziest thing I have ever seen is the way people react when they are caught in the act. First let me say that I have no problem feeding a hungry person if I have the means to. That being said, I am not about to let you take advantage of me, or my job. Let's say that a male and a female come into the store both are relatively well dressed, not suit and tie but nice enough to let you know that they are not on the streets right now, they may not be too far removed, but I am getting ahead of myself. Anyway they enter the store and make a b line to the hotdogs and proceed to fix several hotdogs. Cool, that's what they're there for and it's part of my job to help serve you. I get it. The male then approaches the counter and says "hey I was promised by so and so that I can get these for a discounted rate since they are old. Red flag, red flag, red flag. This is where the problem comes in, because I have not been told anything about this by so and so, and even if I were so and so should have been there to put their own name on the line not mine. So I politely in form the male that unfortunately I could not honor what so and so had said because the said hotdogs were in fact not old and that would be like giving them away. " oh , oh, man I tell you our people just devils some time." Now normally I would have been pissed about that statement but it just so happens that I agree some of the people are devils, I'm not but hey everyone has an opinion. So I let them rant and rave cause I am all for free expression, now that I think of it I did it with a smile too. So they are like "oh well you just gonna have to throw them away." To which I reply no problem it happens. Now I said this for two reasons. The first being that you not gonna come in and hustle me. Second you don't have money for these hotdogs, but you gonna spend 5 or 6 bucks on the lottery. Hell no, big flashing stop light. So now attitude. The male walks around the store and pockets about 5 packs of meat and cheese slim jims. Now had I seen this right away I would have just called the cops. However a friend of mine that was there with me walks up to the customer on the back isle and says some thing to the guy. The guy then proceeds to try and argue with the person. They go back and fourth the guy buys his lottery tickets and then him and the "lady" he is with leave. All the while talking trash. Are we at a point in our society where everyone feels they are owed a free meal? Just because you fixed that hotdog and now it has to be thrown away because you refuse to cut into your lottery money, does not give you the right to steal. Also what kind of person takes advantage of their relationship with another person and tries to collect on the fact that you know someone, and what kind of person feels that well since you are going to have to toss them in the trash you should just let me have them. Fool you are the reason that they have to be thrown in the trash to begin with. Let me end with this, there is no such thing as a free lunch. You know why? Because people like the fool in this story have wasted all the food, and worn on the hearts of good-natured people that would feed you; had not tried to hustle them.

OLDBOY Trailer (Spike Lee - 2013)

I am super excited about this film. It's disturbingly good.

Do we really need to talk about this?

It’s been awhile but I felt it was time to clear the air once again and talk about proper clothing when you come to the store. I will admit there have been plenty of times when I have run out to the store in the middle of the night and maybe don’t throw every piece of clothing on that I may need. However in the middle of the day I am usually fully clothed. So please tell me when it became cool to go into a store, where you might see someone you might like, want to like hope will like you, or God forbid someone you work with, wearing no underwear, bra’s or clothing so tight I can tell when your last meal was. Normally I would be all for the occasional peak, as it is one of the unwritten perks of a crappy job, however at a certain point you get tired of seeing other peoples unmentionables. Ok maybe not the really good-looking girls…. Anyway guys why are you wearing shorts so tight other customers feel uncomfortable and feel the need to point out that they can see your package. Please don’t misunderstand me I am all for the occasion commando day, but that does not mean the whole world has to know it. Bottom line when you come to a store cover your Johnson, and make sure the camel you rode in on is covered and you turn your headlights off. I’m just saying.

Banks who needs banks that's what convenience stores are for.

Here is a little fairy tale all boys and girls getting ready to go off to college should hear. It's all about the land of never going back. Never heard of it, well I bet your parents have because they are the rulers of that land. It's the magical land where laundry is done for you change is provided at your request, and a balanced nutritious meal is waiting for you at supper time. Now take a minute and look back fondly at those days you took for granted in that magical land. Ah memories, now I would like to call your attention to your current surroundings. Welcome to personal responsibility land. This is the land the rulers of never going back land should have been preparing you for, however it seems many of the people who come here from that land missed a couple of memos so please allow me to fill you in on what you have missed. Contrary to popular belief most people don't care about you. They have no stake in your success or failure so tread cautiously when meeting new people. You should also give up the myth that cars or buses will not hit you, because they will. If ever you find yourself in the crosswalk and the light has changed hurry because some folks , let's just say you should hurry. You should also be aware that buying you dinner in a convenience store, no matter how convenient is not wise nor will it help you get anything else that you really need. Take for instance laundry, before it magically appeared clean in the dresser, now it is piling up in a corner getting stronger by the day so pretty soon you are hoping it will walk itself down to the laundry and use the few coins you have left in your lucky jeans, you know the pair with that you first got that new sweetheart to notice you in, to start up a load so you have something clean to wear to class in the morning. However this will probably never happen, we hope not, maybe that is what starts the zombie apocalypse ...any-who you find yourself in this store searching for sustenance and change. Though it's not just a dollar or two you need you're talking five or better. Now here is the tricky part you remember earlier when I mentioned that most people don't care about you and your needs. This is one of those times. Most of the clerks in those types of stores have either been where you are or just flat out don't give a damn cause they are too busy thinking about their own laundry monster. Let's not even mention that providing change is just not our job. We do dispense change from a purchased item but to just plop out change all willy nilly because you have to do laundry and you complex doesn't have a change machine just reeks of a personal problem, and in the land of personal responsibility it is you ax to grind. Now some of you might say what's the big deal it's just some change? For those people I'd say f off you have no clue as to the extra work it creates. However in an effort to teach you something let's look at a scenario. Let's just say it starts with us doing your banking for you and ends with you being expelled for buying essays on the net. Long story short make your own change it teaches you something even I you don't believe it it does. It's the little things that help shape us, hey you should just get use to it because in case you forgot there is no going back to the old land and all you have left is personal responsibility land which can be fun if you stop making excuses.